Bare Remembrance

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Please accept my submission for Friday Fictioneers for 11 April 2014.  Forgive me if this one is dark.

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Bare Remembrance

 

gray dawnBlackness became watery light. Pounding turned to bird songs. Firmness twisted to shaking.

She swam upward. Fear stabbed her soul. Her arm shot out…emptiness. Cold sheets.

Sitting up, the sheets slithered down. The strange room swayed. She shivered, covering herself, and fell back.

The night before…their honeymoon night…April fought with Christopher. Furious, she ran out. A cab took her to…the waterfront.

The wine was sweet…free drinks appeared. The stranger sympathized. They danced and laughed. He asked about the ring.

She looked at her bare left hand.  She found the phone.  “I’m sorry.”

Christopher hung up.

 

 

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35 thoughts on “Bare Remembrance

  1. I liked the juddering style of this – fit with dreams and memories and guilt piling on top of each other. The last sentence was a bit of a let down, to be honest, by comparison.

  2. It’s a good story, Silent. You definitely have the talent. Now, let’s hone it some. It’s re-write time! The more you try, the better you’ll get.
    Think about what you REALLY want to say in this and try it again. You can do it!!! 🙂

  3. You obviously changed the ending as I realized after reading the comments. I like your descriptions, too, very realistic. The ending still bothers me. How would she have a stranger’s phone number? It doesn’t sound like the kind of “relationship” where he would give out his number, especially if he were going to steal her ring. It seems that the consequence would be knowing she’d lost the ring and possibly her fiancee, if she even wants him now.

    janet

    • In the original ending, the phone rang and she sicked up. (Only people didn’t know what sicked up meant). And they weren’t happy with it.

      So, I decided she would call her new groom. But, he would hang up on her. I could fix that by inserting names.

      Would that change your thoughts on the ending?

      • I wondered whether that’s what you meant but since you had “he” as the stranger and then “he” again, I wasn’t sure. BTW, I know what “sicked up” means but I think that would really bring down the tone of the story. I also don’t know if I liked the “begged” part. But what about “She found the phone. “Paul? Please…” He hung up.” Of course you’d have to introduce his name earlier. Yes, I think that would work better and it would be much more clear.

      • Okay…thank you for your help. I will wait a little while to see if anyone else comments.

        I’m amazed at how many people commented – easily the most I’ve ever had.

        Maybe I was doing it right before, and messed this one up. Ha

  4. I really enjoyed the style of this piece. The reader is very much in the main character’s head, seeing what she’s seeing ,feeling what she’s feeling, and then having it dawn on her and us just exactly what she has done. Skimming through the other comments shows that people have given you suggestions for clarity and such, which you seem to have followed, because I think it reads really well. Nice work!

  5. Oh yes.. the beginning of a life-time of regret.. confirmed by that hanging up … I think it works well… maybe it would have been ever more effective if she never made the call… but I god a lump in my throat after reading this.

  6. Dear Silent,

    A well written tale of regret. As I didn’t read the original ending, I’ll say that I do like this one. Haunting and sad. No need to apologize for writing “dark”. When you’ve evoked any emotion from your reader it’s good. 😉

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    • Rochelle, Your words are very kind. Not only have I never received so many comments on a story before, I had never had any one suggest I make changes. I was most flattered and a little flustered. Thank you for hosting Friday Fictioneers. Silent

  7. I thought this was a very sad story but also realistic. These things happen to people. I guess enough people have commented on the form so I’ll just say that I think you have talent and should definitely keep writing. Of course, I’m not the real judge of that. I just know what I like. Good story.

    • Hi patricia,

      I hope you liked the story, even though it was sad. I usually write happy ever after, but the picture and the image popping into my head didn’t go that way. I appreciate your words of encouragement.

      Thank you,

      Silent

  8. A great job with the prompt-loved the details you added to add to the “feel” of the story!Sad that a new relationship soured just because of a small fight.

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