My WIP’s Fourth Revision – Editing (10)

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My WIP’s Fourth Revision

Hearing Is Believing

I looked at repetition.

go to leekah 1I will continue to use a discarded scene from my First Draft as an example for editing.  A prior post includes the original text alongside edits of the verb BE, one with edits to filters, another editing adverbs, still another editing pronouns, not to mention repetition, plus this one  This time I will start with the edited version and then look at repetition.

Exciting?

Nope.

Listening

What do we do when we read something so good we just want to share it?

We insist on reading it to others.

A few times I read parts of my WIP to someone else, only to stop and make fixes, then go on, then stop, then go, then stop, then go.  How boring for the person I was sharing with.

But…what if I found a text-to-speech app and let my computer read to me?  And I listened all the way through without trying to fix anything?  Then, what if I went back and made things sound right?

What I Tried To Do

My final step is to run scenes through a Text-to-Speech App and listen.  Then I added a few words here and there.

Scene = 402 (+3) words.  TO BE’S = 2 (+1); FILTERS = 1 (0); NON -LY ADVERBS = 13 (0);  COMMON WORDS = 125 (-2);  PRONOUNS = 49 (+2);  SCORING = 0.48 (-.02).

How It Looked

Edited to Reduce Repetition
Revised To Sound
Without seeming, Corston steered Running Deer into an alcove off the main hallway.  Nodding to Bright Star and Vitona, he turned away, comfortable that none would dare interrupting, let alone eavesdrop. Without seeming, Corston steered Running Deer into an alcove off the main hallway.  Nodding to her ladies-in-waiting, Bright Star and Vitona, he turned away, comfortable that none would dare interrupting, let alone eavesdrop.
Her ladies-in-waiting explain who Bright Star and Vitona were in relation to Running Deer.
He regarded the cause of his troubles.  Running Deer stood a half a foot shorter than his 5’ 9”, no one would ever mistake her  darkly tanned skin and glossy black hair for a Grand Haranian.  Somehow,  carrying the Count’s child this deep into pregnancy enhanced her beauty and charm rather than diminishing it.  And her animal magnetism always touched others, drawing some to call her Lashan Princess, while threatening others who resorted to calling her Lashan Witch. He regarded the cause of his troubles.  Running Deer stood a half a foot shorter than his 5’ 9”, no one would ever mistake unmistakable as non-Grand Haranian with her  darkly tanned skin and glossy black hair for a Grand Haranian.  Somehow,  carrying the Count’s child this deep into pregnancy enhanced her beauty and charm rather than diminishing it.  And her animal magnetism always touched others, drawing some to call her Lashan Princess, while threatening others who resorted to calling her Lashan Witch.
Unmistakable as non-Grand Haranian with helps with who Running Deer is being contrasted with. 
“You’re looking as beautiful as ever, dear child, but I’m rather astonished my sister, Ellana, would let you roam free without bricking you in, or whatever mysteries they conjure up in confinement,” he said.  “What is so important you risk displeasure.” “You’re looking as beautiful as ever, dear child, but I’m rather astonished my sister, Ellana, would let you roam free without bricking you in, or whatever mysteries they conjure up in confinement,” he said.  “What is so important you risk displeasure.”
No changes.
“Time moves ever slowly and I wish my son to come out.”  After patting her huge belly she made a faces, still clutching at that smooth agate with those fascinating green and blue swirls.  “Ebert.” “Time moves ever slowly and I wish my son to come out.”  After patting her huge belly she made a faces, still clutching at that smooth agate with wrapped in those fascinating green and blue swirls.  “Ebert.”
Wrapped in replaces with, adding more description.
“Yes.  Ebert.”  He  tapped his cane on the floor.  “You did well, girl, to break with him.  I’m delighted you went ahead and—” “Yes.  Ebert.”  He  tapped his cane on the floor.  “You did well, girl, to break with him.  I’m delighted you went ahead and—”
No changes.
“Make him stop.”  She clutched at his sleeves.  “Make him listen, Uncle.  I grieve for his hurt which echoes in my heart, but all must end.”  Eyes glistening, she took a deep breath.  “Please?” “Make him stop.”  She clutched at his sleeves.  “Make him listen, Uncle.  I grieve for his hurt which echoes in my heart, but all must end.”  Eyes glistening, she took a deep breath.  “Please?”
No changes.
He grasped her small hands.  “Yes.  Well, I suppose it’s time.”  A month had passed since she broke with Ebert, but he showed no signs of recovering his perspective.  “I shall, dear child.”
He grasped her small hands.  “Yes.  Well, I suppose it’s time.”  A month had passed since she broke with stopped seeing Ebert, but he showed no signs of recovering his perspective.  “I shall speak to him, dear child.”
Stopped seeing replaces broke and seems more descriptive, maybe.  I could go either way with this change.
Speak to him gives Corston something more concrete than a vague promise.
He kissed her forehead, then motioned for Vitona and Bright Star to shepherd  their charge through swarming courtiers in the hallway.  Throughout, the girl negotiated the hazards with remarkable grace, without a waddles to betray her condition when viewed from behind.  People smiled at her soft words spoken in that delightful accent which won many over.  She did that to people.  Some ladies had started imitating Lasha dress instead of Grand Hara styles. He kissed her forehead, then motioned for Vitona and Bright Star to shepherd  their charge through swarming courtiers in the hallway.  Throughout, the girl negotiated the hazards with remarkable grace, without a waddles to betray her condition when viewed from behind.  People smiled at her soft words spoken in that delightful accent which won many over.  She did that to people.  Some ladies had started imitating Lasha dress instead of Grand Hara styles.
No changes.
Worry tugged at him.  Until she bore a son, the Confederation amounted to little more than words with no physical reality.  Given a chance, the heir might weave the two Peoples into whole cloth.  But Ebert threatened to upend everything pursuing the girl and must  not endanger matters of state.  Corston would put Ebert’s interference to a stop.
Worry tugged at him.  Until she bore a son, the Confederation amounted to little more than words with no physical reality.  Given a chance, the heir might weave the two Peoples into whole cloth.  But Ebert threatened to upend everything pursuing the girl and must  not endanger matters of state.  Corston would must put Ebert’s interference to a stop.
Would seems less definitive than must, as Corston formulates his next move.

 

What’s next?

Next time I will wrap up my editing journey.

Compare the two versions now.
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2 thoughts on “My WIP’s Fourth Revision – Editing (10)

  1. Pingback: My WIP’s Fourth Revision – Editing (9) | Simply Silent

  2. Pingback: My WIP’s Fourth Revision – Editing (11) | Simply Silent

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